It's been a while since I last updated my blog and a ton of stuff has changed, the most important thing being that I now have a job (retail) I work 50+ hours a week on minimum wage and truth be told I love it (most the time).

The thing about my job I love is that things tend to happen that I assume wouldn't in any other setting. One of the most prominent examples I can give is Conan.

Conan is the name I've given to a 4ft Asian dwarf who came into the store one day. He literally sprinted over to me, tapped me on the shoulder and very giddily started jumping up and down like he needed to piss himself.  "I need you help find Conan" is all he said. "What the fuck is a Conan?, does this guy want that shitty 80's movie... He's gotta it's the only Conan" I ask him if its want he means but all he does is just say CONAN..COOOOONAAAANNN like some sort of really shitty Pokemon.

I take him to the entertainment section of the store assuming its the shitty movie he wants (we have a very small section which doesn't even have half the new releases) and I ask the girl if we have it. "Are you shitting me? That came out like 20 years ago, is it even on DVD?" Was the answer I got.
So I turned to Conan and told him that we don't have the DVD it's now that he decides to say "Is no deeeeveedee is Conan" I just stare at him totally dumbfounded as he giddily hops trying to get me to hurry the fuck up to this imaginary item.

Eventually he pulls out his phone opens up his translator and starts drawing kanji. 2 minutes later he shoves it right in my face, what's staring at me in big block capital letters... CONDOMS.

I nearly passed out trying to hold in my laughter, I suddenly realised why he was so giddy. How often do 4ft Asian dwarves get the chance to use a condom?

I loved that guy.

Saturday, 12 October 2013 Leave a comment

I Was Told To Act My Age After Breaking The Land Speed Record On An Asda Trolley

It was 2PM in Asda, people came, people went, that stupid fucking Take That song you've heard for the billionth time repeated itself yet again over the PA system much to the joy of the fat bird who reckons she's X Factor material as she puts in an effort to give you tinnitus while roaming the aisles... God I hate those women. Indeed 2PM is a strange time in Asda, the workies are back doing what ever it is they do and Students are back either pretending to work or having some alone time in a locked bathroom stall. This is the time when Asda is quiet, just a few unemployed people who look like extras from The Walking Dead are left openly staring at burgers and the elderly who just hold everything up. Then I came along, in an entrance some would say was modest for the feat I was about to achieve. Everyone knows the trolley surfing game, you run, run like Usain Bolt on coke for just a few steps and then you jump and hold on to your Asda branded chariot as it thunders down the aisle...I did just this. As I soared down the aisle like the final race in Cool Runnings right past the assortment of coffees and teabags and into the crossroads I was half expecting a crowd waiting for me in delight, I felt like I'd broken the world record. It even made that horrible sound like you've just shoved turkey stuffing up Susan Boyle's arse. But there was no medals, no crowd, no kid staring at me like I was Mr Incredible... Just a sole old woman who said 4 words "Act yer bloody age" she didn't even film my bloody world record... She didn't even have a fucking camera phone and just like that my short lived dreams of a lucrative ITV deal in which Splash! becomes Trolley! and Nike practically spew apondership money at me were killed by a sole old woman.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013 Leave a comment


I feel like a Segway would be hard to use as a midget, which is ironic because the Segway was meant as an easy travel option for those with disabilities.

Saturday, 15 June 2013 Leave a comment

The Movies

Anyone remember that game "The Movies", I still have fond memories of the time "Midget Fuckers 3" broke every box office record. (Pause for sinister reaction)

Chill out it was only a joke,.. it only won best kids movie.

This joke got a surprisingly good reception on Twitter.

Friday, 14 June 2013 Leave a comment

Rob With A Blog

I've decided to start blogging mainly as a way of storing any  jokes, ideas and rants I come up with along with any design work etc so I can see them years later and have a good laugh to myself. If anyone stumbles upon them and feels the same way then that'd be awesome too.

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